The Self Updating Book of the Uzumaki
by GreyBookworm
Summary: Naruto discovers a book containing information on his Uzumaki lineage. Hilarity and denial ensue. "This Tobirama guy sure got around. He must have been a ladies man." Naruto said. "Do you even know what you're saying?" the Hokage asked. "He was friends with a lot of women and he was so nice that they called him a 'ladies man?" Rated T only for some cursing from the Council.
1. Chapter 1

**I do not own Naruto and I never will. It belongs to Masashi Kishimoto and who ever else has any claims to it. Please enjoy the story and review at the end. Thank you.**

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In one lifetime Uzumaki Naruto had slept through a particular lesson in the Academy. Umino Iruka had hit him in the head with a piece of chalk in that lifetime but Naruto still fell back asleep. Mizuki had said he'd catch Naruto up on the lesson later and then didn't.

In **this** lifetime Mizuki was out with a cold and Iruka had decided to walk up to Naruto and hit him over the head with _The History of Konoha from Founding to Now_. Naruto woke up right then and there and deemed it in his mind most important to stay awake and listen to the lesson.

Even if it was a boring history lesson and he felt he'd be better of sleeping.

* * *

"Alright class we're going to be going over the Hokages' and their lives today. Please open up your books to page thirty-five to start reading about Senju Hashirama, the Shodaime Hokage."

"Senju Hashirama was from the famed Senju clan known as the ' _Clan with a thousand skills_ '. He was the son of Senju Butsuma and had three younger brothers." Iruka started his lecture and made sure his students were reading along before he was interrupted.

"Sensei?!" A pink haired student called out. "If the Shodaime had three younger brothers how come he only had Tobirama when they were both adults?"

"Because Sakura-chan in the Warring States Era many children died on the battlefield at a young age. It was from his brothers' deaths that Hashirama desired to make a place where young children would not be forced out onto the battlefield to fight and die."

Iruka looked very solemn as he said this. After all the children in front of him were only seven years old. If they had been alive during the Warring States Era more than three fourths of them would be dead.

"Ahem. Continuing on. His brothers were named in order from oldest to youngest: Tobirama, Itama, and Kawarama. Later in life Hashirama married Uzumaki Mito the youngest daughter of the Uzumaki clan head Uzumaki Akio. Hashirama was twenty-five and Uzumaki Mito was seventeen. They had three children and later in life they had two grandchildren the Sanin Senju Tsunade a renown Medic-"

Here Iruka cut off and looked pointedly at all of the girls in the room. Specifically the fangirls.

"..and Senju Nawaki who died tragically at the age of twelve."

Naruto thanks to being hit over the head with a book earlier had been able to hear the name Uzumaki. Additionally it was in a way that hadn't been mocking, hateful, or disgusted. Actually it was used rather reverently.

That was what caused Naruto jump out of his seat and point at Iruka to shout out, "She has the same name as me!"

Iruka blinked at the unexpected outburst from Naruto. Not that outbursts from Naruto were really surprises, but pointing out name similarities wasn't an often one.

"Well yes, she does Naruto."

"Then we're related!"

Here Iruka got a tic mark on in his and explained to Naruto rather irritatedly why he could not be related to Uzumaki Mito.

"Naruto I told you Uzumaki Mito married Senju Hashirama. The had one boy and two girls. One of the girls died when she was sixteen on a mission and the other became a nun. The boy only father Tsunade and Nawaki."

"Yeah Naruto! Don't try and claim fame just cause of a name!" Sakura cried out.

A lot of murmuring of agreement echoed throughout the room.

Naruto's ears flushed red.

"I wasn't talking about being directly related to her! People call me an idiot. I said she had the same name as me! If _she_ was an Uzumaki doesn't that mean that there were more?"

The room went quiet at this rare smart revelation from their loudmouthed blond prankster. Even Iruka felt a little embarrassed at his mistake and felt a need to make it up to his student.

"I'm sorry Naruto. I didn't realize what you meant. However I must point out a few things The Uzumaki were known for the vitality, red hair, and fuinjutsu. Also it was during the Second Shinobi War that Uzushiogakure was wiped out by Iwa, Kumo, and Kiri."

The boy looked a bit put out, but then his eyes came to life burning with passion as he spoke.

"That doesn't mean anything. People can escape from villages and battles; who's gonna say that there were _any_ survivors."

"Well, yes-"

"Red hair doesn't have anything to do with it either. What were the hair colors of Hashirama's children and grandchildren."

"Hashirama-sama's son was a brunette, his sixteen year old was a brunette, and the nun was the only redhead. Tsunade is a blonde and Nawaki was a brunette."

" _ **See**_. As for the fuinjutsu that doesn't sound like it's hereditary is it?"

"No-"

"Nobody's ever taught me it. So there."

Everyone in the room was silent. Part from the facts that had been laid out in front of them and part that Naruto was actually using his head for something smart.

"Sakura-chan I think you owe Naruto an apology."

Said girl flushed and tried to defend her self.

"But sensei-"

"No buts Sakura-chan the Uzumaki were a respectable clan in Konoha and we ninja felt deeply for their loss."

Grudgingly Sakura turn to the blond idiot and through gritted teeth got out her apology.

Naruto was just happy that he got that class to shut up about his relation to Mito.

 _'Now'_ Naruto thought _'It's time to do some research on Uzumaki Mito.'_

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 **Please review the story and tell me what you think. I update may be sporadic, but I'll try to do them quickly. Thank you again for reading.**


	2. Chapter 2

**I do not own Naruto and I never will. It belongs to Masashi Kishimoto and whoever else has claims to it. Please read and review. Also a shout-out to A Helpful Review yes I'm still relatively new to writing. I don't really do it often. Your constructive criticism is appreciated. To everyone no there will not be any bashing of any type in this story. Remember Sakura is a seven year old girl and Naruto is the bully victim of the entire village. She's just doing what the adults around her are doing.**

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The first place Naruto went to go look for information after school wasn't so much as a place as it was a person.

His Jiji. The Sandaime Hokage. One of the very few adults he trusted and looked up to.

After all, his Jiji was the Hokage so he had to know everyone and Jiji was also known as 'The Professor' so his Jiji had to be really _really_ smart.

His Jiji was also almost always in the Hokage Tower so he was relatively easy to find.

Naruto burst into his Jiji's office after having ran up three flights of stairs, avoided running into paperwork ninja who couldn't even watch where they were going, and skirted around the chirpy secretary siting at the desk in front of Jiji's office.

Honestly, sometimes he thought Jiji kept her around only because she was pretty. It's not like she did much.

"JIJI!" he bellowed as he slammed open the door. Regardless of the fact that there might have been important dignitaries in the office holding a meeting with the Hokage.

Fortunately for Naruto there weren't any important meetings with important dignitaries going on.

Siting behind his desk writing up reports and signing documents sat Sarutobi Hiruzen, the Sandaime Hokage, with his trademark pipe in his mouth. "Hello Naruto." Hiruzen said, acknowledging Naruto's presence as he languidly smoked his pipe. He started to put down his pencil that had been busy writing just a few moments before.

With Naruto talking could range from five minutes to five hours. Not that Hiruzen didn't mind it. Naruto was a welcomed escape from all the paperwork he had to do.

The Hokage office was rather bland and spartan in its appearance. The only things in the room besides Naruto and Hiruzen were a desk, a chair, and the paperwork on the desk. Naruto quietly decided in his mind that when he became Hokage that he would paint the room orange and make it more decorative. If he was gonna work here he needed a _him_ kinda space.

Shaking his head free of interior designing ideas Naruto started talking about what he wanted to ask in the first place. He had to make an impressive introduction before he even asked about it though.

 _'He goes nothing.'_

"Jiji I wanna ask you something."

Sarutobi smiled.

"Of course Naruto. What is it? Some ninjutsu theory confusing you again?"

"No no." Naruto paused and looked thoughtful "I mean, maybe later. Today there was a lesson on history and we heard all about all the Hokage. Even you!"

"Oh really?" Hiruzen asked amusedly.

"Yeah yeah." Naruto responded with an energetic nodding of his head. "Hashirama built Konoha, Tobirama was like your secretary and did a lot of paperwork, does she do paperwork? You helped out with the Second and Third Shinobi Wars, and Minato Namikaze defeated the Kyuubi."

Deciding that now was the perfect time to ask his question Naruto looked down shyly. Partially because he was a little afraid that his Jiji wouldn't answer it like he wouldn't answer his questions on why the village didn't like him or who his parents were and partially because it worked wonders on guilt tripping Jiji.

Hey, call him manipulative or whatever else. He knew his Jiji better than anyone and Jiji just couldn't resist that hurt puppy look. Especially on himself. Don't get him wrong he loved his Jiji, but he _needed_ answers.

"Could you tell me about Uzumaki Mito." as he looked up hesitantly. Hurt Puppy Eyes on full blast.

Hiruzen's brain came screeching to a halt. Whatever he thought about Naruto requesting to see a 'cool' ninjutsu went out the window.

"Wha-"

 _'Gotta move fast before he questions me!'_ Naruto though frantically.

"It's just that she has the same name as me and no one talks about her name like they do mine." Naruto explained quickly, "Also, all that the books really said about her was that she was from Uzushio and married Hashirama, but she seems like a really **_really_** cool kunoichi! So Jiji can you tell me more about her!?"

Ok, so maybe Naruto was laying on the enthusiasm **too** thickly; he'd have to judge Jiji's reaction to see if he needed more or less.

Hiruzen let out a sigh, feeling relieved that this wasn't about Mito's status as a Jinchuriki and also grateful that he got to talk about one of the many unsung heroes of Konoha. Hiruzen launched into tales about Mito, her homeland, and her clan.

Naruto was enraptured with them.

After all if they were about her, her clan, and her homeland then they were about the Uzumaki. Naruto wanted to know more about the Uzumaki.

* * *

"...and that Naruto is why the ninja of Konoha wear the seal of Uzushio on our uniforms. To represent the eternal alliance between Konoha and Uzushio."

"Wow." Naruto was suitably awed by the tales his Jiji told about the Uzumaki. Seals sounded awesome they could do practically everything! Although he did feel a bit angry at some of the shinobi for ignoring him. He was an Uzumaki, didn't they know their history?

It was sad for him to have learned that the Uzumaki clan was in diaspora though. If Uzushio existed Naruto fantasied that they may have come looking for him and given him a family.

"The Uzumaki didn't have a clan compound in Konoha. They usually resided with their Senju cousins when they came to visit. They did however have a mask storage temple."

… That was new. The history books didn't say that the Senju and Uzumaki were cousins.

Did this mean it was his destiny to be Sasuke's rival?

"...mask storage temple?" Naruto asked confused. How could people so awesome leave behind so little? Leaving behind masks at that. Why couldn't they have left behind seals? Or super cool jutsu that could blow up mountains?

"Yes, the Uzumaki held certain beliefs about masks and their properties. Such as that masks connect the living and the dead. Funeral masks were a big part of Uzushio's traditions. It was said that if the body had a proper mask then a spirit would keep it's face and not go looking for others to possess as the body decayed."

"Didn't they have preservation seals though? Also can I get a funeral mask when I'm older?"

"The Uzumaki used preservation seals yes, but never for their bodies. What was dead was buried in the ground with the mask and allowed to rejoin the earth. The mask was the only thing given a preservation seal. If you were to go searching through graves of the Uzumaki the only thing you might find for the older ones is a mask. Yes, when you're older you can have a funeral mask commissioned to be made."

"That's so cool! Seals can do anything!"

"I'm glad you enjoyed this talk Naruto," Hiruzen said gently."but it's getting late now so you might want to go back home."

Naruto had to look out the window to see that it was already dusk now and getting darker.

"Ok Jiji," Naruto said turning back to face his Jiji. "also just to let you know you're better than any other teacher at history that I know."

Naruto gave Hiruzen a hug and left in a hurry to get back to his apartment.

* * *

Naruto decided to look for the mask temple on Sunday the only day they had off from the academy. _His_ mask temple. After all it was the _Uzumaki_ Mask Storage Temple and he was, to his knowledge, the only Uzumaki left in Konoha.

After much searching, running into a green spandex wearing ninja and asking him for directions, and recalling the descriptions in his Jiji's tales he finally found it.

He felt very cheated at that moment as well as very disappointed.

"This-this _thing_ looks like it's about to collapse in on itself!" Naruto wailed clutching his head in horror.

"How could they have let it go so far!"

The Uzumaki Mask Storage Temple had seen better days, _much_ better days.

The entrance was barely hanging on as it was tilting dangerously to its right, the support beams angled awkwardly and one of them was looking like it was about to snap. One of the red walkways had completely collapsed to the ground while the other was in relative mint condition. The stairs were cracked and missing a chunk of _stone_. The roof while not looking like it'd collapse at any moment was dotted with gaping holes.

What had once been a beautiful, if simple, building was nothing more than an unsightly and dilapidated work of Sengoku-go architecture. The one consolation, if you could call it that, was that the paint had stayed even after all the years it had gone through and that the mark of the Uzumaki stood proud for all to see over the entrance.

Getting over his mournful wailing for his precious building Naruto carefully made his way up the cracked stone steps into the building. Ready to make a run for it at a moments notice if the building actually did decide to try and collapse on him.

He might have been a bit of an idiot, but he wasn't a _suicidal_ idiot... yet.

Front and center for all to see as they entered the building were the masks. Naruto immediately avoided them. The only reason Shinobi would be confident to put things up front and center was if they were sure nothing could touch them or if it was a trap.

After hearing how the Uzumaki were fanatics for their funeral masks he didn't want to find out if there were other masks that involved ghosts in the same room as himself. Or worse.

It was probably a good thing Naruto didn't know that there was a mask that summoned the Shinigami in the same room as him. He would have freaked out and ran away screaming.

Searching around the front room where the masks were yielded no results so he decided to head to the back of the building and search there.

He wasn't disappointed.

Shelves and shelves of old scrolls and books were pushed up against the walls of the room. Most looking like they were ancient and had been better looking a long time ago, but a few had managed to endure the years still looking relatively brand new despite still being covered in dust.

"Now this is what I'm talking about." Naruto said as a foxy grin spread across his face.

"Let's see what we got."

Careful not to touch any of the books that looked like they would crumble into dust if he even _breathed_ on them; Naruto took more of an interest in the newer looking books. Dusting them off with his hands as he went.

There was one problem though.

That problem was Naruto's reading skills were almost as bad as his writing skills, and his writing skills were comparable to chicken scratch. The professors were to blame yes, but the did teach him the basics. Even if they were the _bare_ basics.

So skimming over books and trying to read the titles he finally choose one. He didn't know what the book was about, but it had the words "self" and "Uzumaki". Naruto figured if it had his name and the word self then it probably belonged to him. After all he was him _self_ and he was an _Uzumaki_. Granted it could have been Mito-san's book, but Jiji had said that she was long dead and he was the only Uzumaki in Konoha. Therefore the book was his by default.

Seven year old logic.

Grabbing the book from its place and handling it like a normal book since it didn't seem like it was going to fall apart. Naruto walked back to the front room for some better lighting to read.

Cracking open the book Naruto was disappointed again for yet the second time this day.

The book was blank.

Naruto's disappointment turned to anger at being cheat out of something he felt was important. Throwing the book down in his anger he started to go back to the backroom when he realized he'd gotten a paper-cut from the book when he threw it.

A paper cut.

"Ouch." He whined looking at his poor finger that had a deep line of red. "Why do books hate me?"

Still grumbling to himself about the discrimination of books against him Naruto looked back with a glare at the book; then stopped.

It had lines.

It had names.

It looked like one of those family tree things he saw in the history books at school.

"Awesome..." He breathed his eyes taking on a look of wonder.

Then he descended onto the book like a man without water.

He could see his name. He could _see his name_. He could actually _**see his name with a family tree**_ _ **thing**_ _ **! He wasn't an orphan he had family!**_

That was all that he had ever really wanted.

He could see a lot of Uzumaki names on what he thought was his mother's side, but he couldn't be sure it was his _mother_. It could have been his _father_ for all he knew. Unless he was born when his parents weren't married.

He touched the Uzumaki name above his fondly. Suddenly the book started to warp words and ink moved.

Needless to say Naruto was freaking out. None of the other books he had ever touched had decided to make their ink move.

He only calmed down when he realized that now the entire _page_ was dedicated to _this_ Uzumaki. That one that had been above his that he had touched. It even had a picture of a pretty red haired women with warm violet eyes. Naruto liked her, she seemed happy and friendly. She was also smiling kindly in the picture.

Pushing on an arrow with the word "home" written on it Naruto returned back to the family tree thing. Naruto automatically decided that this book was now his favorite book _**ever**_.

Even if he couldn't read most of the words in it.

So he had to find someone he knew that could read and that he could trust to keep quiet. Not that he didn't trust Jiji, but whenever he asked him about his parents all he would get was a sigh, a sad smile, and being told that "They were good people who loved the village and gave their lives to protect it."

Who knew what Jiji would do if he found out Naruto had a family tree thingy with pictures.

Naruto wasn't gonna find out.

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 **Thank you for reading so far. I hope you enjoyed the story constructive criticism is appreciated and the author would love to know what you think about the store. Updates will be sporadic, but I will try my best to do them quickly.**


	3. Chapter 3

**I do not own Naruto and I never will. It belongs to Masashi Kishimoto and however else has any claims to it. Please read and review. Enjoy.**

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Ichiraku Teuchi had seen a lot of things in his life. Never in his thirty-eight years of life had he ever seen anything like **_this!_**

He didn't have anything against Naruto. The kid was just unfortunate enough to have had his dad as the Yondaime Hokage. Then he was unfortunate enough to have the Kyuubi sealed into him.

Yes, he knew that Naruto was the Yondaime's son.

It wasn't hard to see the resemblance if you looked, and he meant really looked at Naruto. Besides the only other way the boy could have been blonde was if he'd been an Yamanaka, but then he'd have creepy pupiless eyes. Honestly how many Nordic blondes does Konoha have?! How many blondes died on October tenth? The math wasn't hard, but people just wouldn't or couldn't accept the truth.

If the physical resemblance hadn't been enough for Teuchi though; then having Kushina as a customer did. He remembered the few times she and Minato had dates here and sometimes Minato had even treated his team for ramen.

What shocked him... was that Naruto was from a family with such amazing history. Most people would have thought that having Minato as a father would have taken out the shock of Naruto being such an important person. Most people however didn't know that the Uzumaki had been hot stuff in Uzushio and had been almost like the sister clan of the Senju.

There had been a lot of marriages between the Uzumaki and the Senju. Such as Uzumaki Mito and Senju Hashirama. It's probably what kept them from going insane. Like the Uchiha and Hyuuga.

More genetic diversity.

There had been rumors about the particular shinobi Naruto was related to through his mother. They'd all been classified as malicious slander though.

Especially considering that some of the rumors hit very _very_ close to home in Konoha.

One of the rumors was that the said shinobi's student was his daughter. Which was against Konoha rules at the time. The rule was still in effect now that he thought about it. Adopted children and siblings were allowed though.

The parents of the girl had been pretty defensive about the rumors. The explanation for the physical resemblance was that the mother had Senju blood through her grandfather who'd decided to get down with a waitress from a tea shop.

Another was when Senju Touka's daughter, Senju Momoko, had married into the Hatake clan and gave birth to a son with silver white hair and black eyes while both the parents had been brunettes. Momoko had inherited her mother's green eyes and Hatake Nōka had possessed light brown eyes.

The drama at the hospital had been one for the record books.

Hatake Nōka had accused his wife whom he had been married to for two years of adultery and cheating on him with an older man. She'd defended herself by claiming that it was Nōka's son and that she hadn't slept with anyone but him. He'd refused to believe her.

Ten positive blood tests later with seals from the Uzumaki and Hatake Nōka's goose was cooked in the eyes of all the females in the hospital.

A few male shinobi had made bets on whether or not the kid was actually a Hatake. Most had bet on the kid not being one.

Hiruzen, Danzo, Kagami, Homura, and Torifu had become rich rich men after the drama settled down.

If only because Hiruzen had been dating Biwako who had been Momoko's midwife and Koharu who had threatened to castrate them all if they even doubted the word of one of her best friends.

Actually Koharu had become Sakumo's sensei and his Godmother too now that he thought of it.

Then there was one concerning a woman named Aika who's mother had been a Geisha. The girl had black eyes and _white_ hair. When she became a kunoichi she'd specialized in infiltration, information gathering, and seduction.

Her track record was impressive. She'd died a mysterious death while still young though.

Teuchi had his money on her being Jiraiya's mother. As did everyone else and their mothers'.

Civilians had an easier time when it came to tracing lineages than shinobi who could only trace back accurately to their great grandparents.

However because of the Four Sacred Vices: Smoking, Drinking, Gambling, and Sex. Shinobi and civilians were more intermingled than either would let on.

Orochimaru and Jiraiya, though Teuchi was sure that Aika was Jiraiya's mother, were pretty good examples of the suspicions of copulation between civilians and shinobi who had refused to own up.

Jiraiya and Orochimaru were orphans.

Orphans that grew up to be some of the most powerful ninja in the world.

Even if one of them went insane and is currently on the quest to find immortality through experimentation on children and the other is a perverted hermit making international headlines with his porn writing.

There had been some pretty good speculation on whether or not Jiraiya or Orochimaru _w_ _ere_ clan related. Jiraiya had a lake of chakra even when he was a child. Not to mention his hair. People had also thrown looks towards the red markings on his face.

Lots of people, Teuchi himself, were pretty sure that he was Aika's kid.

Orochimaru as well. He had those purple markings, that ghastly pale skin, and those gold eyes, but nobody and Teuchi meant _nobody_ had features like that in Konoha.

So whether or not they were _actually_ civilian born was debatable.

It was also gossip that hadn't yet grown old even forty years later.

Names had flown around when Jiraiya was about six years old and had graduated from the academy, but no one could really put a name to anyone who looked like Jiraiya. The closest anyone had come to besides Aika who was dead; was a person no one spoke of since he would have been around thirty-nine when Jiraiya was born.

Pretty old for a shinobi to be having children.

Not to mention he was a _very_ dead and _very_ respected shinobi.

Though it would explain a bit on why Hiruzen had personally picked Jiraiya as a student. That was what started the rumors in the first place.

After all the kid looked like his deceased Sensei.

They were the rumors about Aika and Jiraiya that rekindled the flames about Aika's mysterious father.

Naruto though, the kid was lucky, damn lucky. Teuchi knew that, but how could _anyone_ get this lucky?

Naruto's lineage showed that not only was he from a highly respected, if almost extinct, clan. One that had close links to the Senju and was a legend in its own right in regards to their fuinjutsu and vitality. He was from one that had not only founded its own village _during_ the Warring States Era and helped Konoha found herself, but one of the clans with the biggest if not _the_ largest chakra reserves.

Being directly related to two Hokage's and distantly related to the Shodaime wasn't hurting him either.

Although even if people didn't look at Naruto's Hokage lineage his Uzumaki lineage was still first-rate stuff. Being related to three Uzumaki Clan heads in the last hundred years and there were some Senju main family daughters married into the clan even farther back which was just as impressive as being related to the Hokages.

Hell, there were some notes at the very top of the page that claimed the Uzumaki were descendents of the Rikudo Sennin.

Kushina's lineage was the crème de la crème. Yes, he'd known that she'd been the niece of the last Uzumaki clan head, but this was amazing.

Naruto's pedigree was solid sparkling platinum. Hell, the kid could probably apply to be clan head of the Senju no problem.

Hell, the kid was practically made for the position of Hokage.

If Tsunade ever became Hokage the kid could claim being related to four Hokage.

On his father's side he was the son of the Yondaime Hokage... and on his mother's he was the great-great grandson of Senju Tobirama and the great-great-great nephew of the Shodaime Hokage.

Sarutobi and the council were going to have heart attacks.

… he'd pay good money to see that.

It would be almost as amusing as the Hatake Hair Incident.

Coming to a quick decision he told his thirteen year old daughter to close up shop while he went to go see the Hokage with an urgent matter.

The fact that her father was grinning like he'd won the lottery and couldn't wait to cash in the ticket did not put Ayame at ease.

* * *

"Ah, Teuchi-san welcome. What was the urgent matter you spoke of to my secretary?" Hiruzen asked as Teuchi opened the door to his office.

"I have just found out Naruto's ancestry Hokage-sama." Teuchi said genially as he closed the door behind him and then went to stand in front of the Hokage's desk.

Hostility filled the air as Hiruzen spoke. No longer as cordially and kindly as he had been a few seconds before "Naruto's lineage is an S-class secret. If you were to tell anyone it would mean that the boy would be killed by Iwa in seconds. We'd have another Shinobi War on our hands. The council would want to make Naruto into a weapon and-"

"Whatever are you talking about Hokage-sama? I was talking about Naruto's maternal lineage. It's stunning. Why, I think that if you'll look at you may very well be surprised to see a few names your familiar with." Teuchi said completely unaffected by Hiruzen's aura. In fact he seemed rather... chipper.

Suspicious Hiruzen cautiously took the book that Teuchi handed him and opened it to the first page. The Hokage's face was stony and impassive. After awhile Hiruzen gave the book back to Teuchi and took a long smoke from his pipe.

"The fuck?" Hiruzen said dazedly after he finished his smoke.

"I know. Who knew Kushina was practically royalty. Minato struck gold."

Hiruzen went to take another smoke, paused and took a long look at his pipe and then face-palmed as he sighed.

"I need a drink. Preferable something from Kumo. Their alcohol's the strongest."

"You mean you aren't going to inform Tsunade that she has a..." a quick look at the book that started Hiruzen's alcohol need provided the answer "second cousin twice removed?" Teuchi asked curiously.

Hiruzen stared at the ramen chef as if he'd grown three heads, sprouted wings, and gained purple skin.

"What? If she has a living relative she might come back. Especially since Naruto's so young and can't leave the village considering his... duties as a jailor. Tsunade's always been a staunch supporter for family right? It says right here-" Teuchi held up the book and pointed at a specific name, "that Tsunade is Senju Butsuma's great-granddaughter and that Naruto is his great-great-great grandson."

"We'll try."

Beaming Teuchi said "That's wonderful Hokage-sama. Naruto and I are going to see if we can explore some more on his great-great grandfather's amorous adventures and see if... anyone else resulted from them. And confirm some rumors. Who knows maybe the rumors about your teammate or Jiraiya were true."

With confidence Teuchi strided out of the office while Hiruzen wondered where his Sensei, who'd he'd always thought of as prudish, could have gotten the time to get down with Uzumaki Manami and have a kid with her.

He still needed his drink too.

Oh God! He had to deal with Koharu too! Fuck his life.

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 **Thank you for reading and please review. I hope you enjoyed the story. As for the names; Senju Touka was a kunoichi and her name meant peach blossoms so I figured I'd stick with the peach theme. I couldn't really think up a name for Kakashi's grandfather so I just used a translator to figure out what Farmer meant in Japanese. I'm terribly sorry if there are grammatically errors. Constructive criticism is appreciated.**


	4. Obito's Village Gossip Part 1

**I do not own Naruto and I never will. It belongs to Masashi Kishimoto and whoever else has any claims on it. Please read and review.**

* * *

The day was a normal one for Uchiha Obito.

Sunny with a few wispy clouds in the sky.

He always sort of thought the sky almost looked like it was painted sometimes.

He was going to be late to team training with Kakashi, Rin, and Sensei, but Hanako-san needed help with her groceries and she always gave him candy afterward.

Cherry lollipops. Delicious.

Not that he didn't like helping people. He really did, but the candy just sweetened the deal a bit more.

Also the old folk talked a lot about Konoha when they were young and man did they have some really interesting stories.

Like the time when Sandaime-sama and his team were still Genin and were chasing Tora, Kami-sama just how old was that cat, and were crossing over the Hot Springs.

Sandaime-sama fell into the woman's side of the bath and landed on Uzumaki Mito's chest.

Mitokado Homura had taken a misstep when he saw just _where_ Hiruzen had landed and crashed into the wall that separated the two genders.

It came crashing down with him.

Utatane Koharu probably had the most embarrassing experience of them all.

After all it's not everyday that you land across the laps of two of the most powerful men in the Shinobi world.

AKA Senju Hashirama and Uchiha Madara.

The things you learn when you gossip with the older generations.

It was hilarious.

He wondered if he could get any embarrassing stories about Kakashi or Minato-sensei.

"Ne, Hanako-bachan. Do you know any stories about Hatake Kakashi?"

"Hatake...? Hmm. I know a story about a Hatake Sakumo."

"It's... It's not a bad story is it?"

However much Obito didn't like Kakashi he still respect his dad and he didn't want Kakashi to think he was making fun of the dead.

"Oh yes, Obito-kun. Don't worry. I liked Hatake-san very much. He was such a cute looking kid when he was younger. He had all the girls chasing after him." She chuckled.

"What's the story about?" He asked curiously.

"Well, everyone calls it the Hatake Hair Incident."

"Hatake Hair?" He asked confusedly. "I thought Kakashi and his dad looked a lot a like though."

"Oh they do" She agreed while nodding her head. "but before Sakumo-san was born all the Hatake's were brunettes. So it was quite a shock to everyone when he was born with silver-white hair."

"You mean he was illegitimate!" Obito asked wide eyed with shocked.

"Oh no no child! Sakumo-san was his father's son. Although it took ten blood seals for the man to believe it."

"Geez."

"Mm. Everyone thought it was Senju Tobirama-sama, the Nidaime Hokage who was still alive at the time, he'd just gone into office after Hashirama-sama retired to spend more time with his family. Even his students thought he was the father. Well, all of his students except Koharu-san and Hiruzen-san."

"Why did everyone think that? Besides the hair I mean?"

"Well for the Shinobi it was _just_ because of the hair. For us civilians though, well..."

"Well...?" He asked. He could feel that there was a story behind all of this, and dare he say it, really juicy gossip.

She looked around conspiratorially and then leaned closer to whisper.

"For us civilians we don't hold an illusions that Shinobi are the picture of self-discipline and self-restraint."

"What...?" He could feel his heart drop.

"Mm Obito-kun. You do know that there is a thing called the Four Sacred Vices right?"

"No." He said as he shook his head.

"Well, lets just say that the Shinobi of the Warring States were more for living in the moment than planning ahead when it came to things such as sex."

Obito could feel his face turning red. "T-Then you mean?" He spluttered.

"Senju Touka had a daughter named Momoko who looked just like her. Momoko was Sakumo-san's mother. Silver hair doesn't run in the Hatake family at all."

Obito felt his jaw drop open. "S-So you mean that K-Kakashi is the great-grandson of the Nidaime Hokage!" He all but screamed.

"Sh! Yes, it's common knowledge to us civilians. Most Shinobi don't think that their leaders or comrades are capable of doing things such as having sex. Believe me; even if a ninja doesn't get married it's still very likely that they've had sex before. Also it's not like they could've just acknowledged the children. Some of the Shinobi were important people or had important political fiancees. Like Senju Hashirama and Uzumaki Mito."

Obito could feel his brain frizzing just from _trying_ to process the information.

"So... the Nidaime Hokage was a skirt chaser?" he asked hesitantly.

"Definitely. Hashirama was just as bad before he got married. Those two could talk their way into a woman's bed faster than a Hyuuga could activate their Byakugan."

"S-Shodaime-sama!" He choked out.

"Yep, him too. Granted this was all before he got married to Uzumaki Mito you know. I'm sure had had _at the very least_ two illegitimate children."

Obito was spluttering.

"A lot of the civilians have their money bet on Namikaze Minato being a descendent. Such a smart and nice young boy. Isn't he your teacher?"

Obito could only nod dumbly.

"Yes. Everyone thinks that Minato-san is related to Hashirama-sama through Namikaze Kei, Minato-san's great-grandmother."

"I thought Sensei was an orphan." Obito said after he regained the ability to talk.

"Oh he is. It's just that it's hard not to see the resemblance between him and Namikaze Kei. Not to mention Namikaze Takeshi had a son just before he and his wife died. I'm sure that Minato-san was dropped off at the orphanage."

"Namikaze Takeshi?"

"Minato-san's father. Namikaze Kei, his great-grandmother, was considered the greatest beauty to have ever graced the Shinobi continent. She claimed to be from a place called Amerika. Everyone just thought she was from the Ame-Iwa border. She had amazing blue eyes and blonde hair. She had a voice with an accent too I'm told. Beautiful singer that woman was."

"Oh."

"Yes, you can find pictures of her in the Shinobi Library. She was a bit eccentric though. Never married. She had a son out of wedlock whom she named Namikaze Yoichi. He had dirty blonde hair, tanned skin, and brown eyes. He married a blonde haired blue eyed medic named Fujiko."

"Ah." He really didn't know what to say to any of that.

"Yes. Rumor has it that Shodaime-sama kept _pictures_ of her in his office desk. Even _after_ he married Mito-sama! What a scandl! If she was alive in our era right now Obito-kun she would have been a model. Gorgeous. She was about two to there years older than Shodaime-sama. The funniest thing though is that Nidaime-sama's students found the pictures and apparently thought that they were his!" She chuckled.

He'd just learned that his asshole teammate and his Sensei were probably related to **_legends_**. Yet here he was getting flustered about the fact that some of the most powerful men in the Shinobi world were just womanizers.

Legends that were **_Hokage!_** "

Hokage that were also apparently skirt chasers.

He wondered if it ran in the family.

Nah. Sensei was too devoted to Kushina-san and Kakashi was about as romantic as an iceberg.

Then again. Didn't Hanako-bachan say that Hashirama-sama fell for an Uzumaki too? Wasn't Senju Tobirama thought to be a prude?

Were his Sensei and teammate sex machines?! Had they had any children out of wedlock yet?!

Poor Kushina-san and Rin!

"Do you..." He started hesitantly, "Do you know anything about a Nohara Rin?"

"Rin-chan? Isn't she the girl you like Obito-kun?"

"Ah, y-yeah."

"Hm." She looked thoughtfully as she stared into space.

"Ah! I remember hearing something about her a while back!" She said excitedly.

"Really?" Obito asked skeptically. He didn't really think that Rin or her family would have any deep dark secrets.

"She's adopted."

Obito blinked. Well, that wasn't nearly as ground breaking as Kakashi or Sensei's had been.

"There's also rumors that she is the illegitimate daughter of Councilman Shimura and one of his subordinates!"

He stood corrected.

"Yes, yes, I remember it now more clearly. It wasn't a very public thing you know. Not even any of the shinobi know." She paused. "Except for maybe Hokage-sama. Us civilians only know because she was adopted by civilians. He was also the one that sponsored her in the Academy you know. Although to her he was merely an anonymous benefactor interested in the good of Konoha's future."

"...Okay" Man did those rumors really go far out there. He was begining to wonder if he really shouldn't take everything at face value.

"Mmhm." She nodded sagely. "Apparently Councilman Shimura was forty-three at the time and the woman in questions was sixteen. So the age gap was scandalous. Even for the most traditional of people."

"What was the woman's name?" He might as well go along with it. Even if it wasn't true.

Kami-sama. Forty-three. Ew. Not to mention Councilman Shimura was all bandages and gloominess.

No way in _**hell**_ was Rin related to him!

"I don't actually remember that accurately. I _think_ it was something like Yamabushi Nana or Yashuki Nano. I heard she was a brunette with light brown hair and emerald green eyes. Pretty woman apparently. Talented medic too, she was supposedly apart of ANBU."

"Oh." He wondered if there was anything about his family in the village rumors. Well, only one way to find out.

"Is there anything about me Hanako-bachan?" He asked curiously.

"Of course Obito-kun! Your family was one of the most talked about in the beginning of Konoha!"

"Really? That's nice...?" From what he'd heard already he didn't think it was a good thing to be involved in village gossip. It was full of skirt chasing ancestors and illegitimate children.

Not that the children were bad, but society didn't look favorablly on it.

"Your great-great-great grandfather is, according to the older rumors, Uchiha Madara who had a daughter at the age of fourteen. Supposedly it was a part of a tradition to see if the Clan Heir was fertile or not. He was. He daughter's name was Uchiha Ayaka. She had a... well relationship isn't an actual description of it. More like a one night stand trying to get information from the Senju second-in-command when she was fifteen and gave birth to your great-grandfather Uchiha Kagami-"

"Wait, wait, wait." He said. "Your saying I've got some Senju in me _and_ that I'm related to Uchiha Madara. The same Uchiha Madara who went insane and tried to destroy Konoha? Not to mention that my great-grandfather was something like a mission baby?"

"Yes, now let me continue. Where was I?"

"Great-grandfather Uchiha Kagami."

"Ah yes, Kagami-kun. He was a lot like you Obito-kun always helping people out. Such a nice young man. Everybody knew his father was Senju Tobirama. He was the Senju second-in-command at the time before and after Kagami's birth."

"I thought he hated the Uchiha why would he sleep with one?!"

"Sex is sex Obito. He may have also wanted to get back at Madara. Madara hated Tobirama even more after his daughter did in childbirth. Never did hate little Kagami-kun though. Even if he was part Senju. That fact wasn't actually well know inside the clan. The fact that Ayaka was Madara's daughter wasn't well known inside or outside the Clan either. How Tobirama-sama found out it anyone's guess."

"Then how do you know? Wait how did people even confirm Kagami was a Senju?!"

"I said it wasn't _well_ known. Not that it wasn't known. Also for your answer: Blood Seals."

"Oh, okay. Fine. Please continue."

"When Hashirama requested for Kagami-kun to be on his team it solidified suspicions. When Kagami-kun was seventeen he married a girl called Uchiha Kasumi and had a daughter he named Uchiha Naori. Pretty little thing she was. Had dark plum hair and the prettiest onyx black eyes. She spent most of her time in the Hokage office when she was young you know?"

"No, I didn't."

"She was your grandmother. She married Uchiha Naka when she was eighteen. One of the few Uchiha to awaken the Mangekyou Sharingan. Only female to ever do it too."

"I see."

It _was_ kinda cool. Who knew Oba-chan had been so badass when she was younger.

"Your father Uchiha Nobuo married Uchiha Asuka and had you."

"Huh." Apparently the Clan's didn't nearly know as much as the civilians did if this was what he was getting from just asking one person.

Hi father was also probably the most normal family member he had too.

"Wait just a minute. Just how old was the Nidaime when he had sex with Ayaka? Wasn't he just a few years younger than Madara?"

"Oh he was twenty-four."

"Twenty-four! That's like-like a nine year age difference!"

"Tobirama-sama had a **"Ten Years Younger Rule"** meaning that he wouldn't sleep with females ten years younger than him. He wouldn't have even looked at her if she was younger than him by ten years, Ayaka just barely made the cut by a year."

If there was one thing Obito knew now it was that you couldn't hide any secrets from the civilians and that Shinobi were sex maniacs.

Wait a minute was he related to Sensei and Kakashi!

Fuck! He was related to an asshole that was even more of an asshole than his Uchiha cousins!

* * *

 **Thank you for reading I hope you enjoyed. Please leave a review. Constructive criticism is appreciated.**


	5. Chapter 4

**I do not own Naruto and I never will. It belongs to Masashi Kishimoto and whoever else has any claims on it. Please read and review. Enjoy!**

* * *

Tsunade knew her day was gonna be shit.

She knew it when she woke up that morning. Granted it could have been the run down hotel she and Shizune were staying. Tanzaku-gai was known for its casinos and whores, not their hotels.

She still couldn't get rid of that _knowing_ feeling though. It was like when she was fighting in the Second Shinobi War. You _knew_ your enemy was there, but you just didn't know where.

It was unsettling.

She knew she could take on any debt collectors those gambling houses she lost to threw at her. She wasn't afraid of them. More annoyed than anything. Some people just can't take a hint.

Her bad feeling was confirmed when later that day Jiraiya sat down next to her in a bar after she'd lost five million ryo.

He didn't even have the "I'm A SUPER Pervert" or the "Ladies Come At Me" vibe going on.

 _Dear Kami-sama._

Somebody better be dying. Actually, since Jiraiya's here Sensei may have died.

She always knew it would be either a heart attack from peeking at women in the Onsen or lung cancer from all his smoking that would do him in.

Did Sensei listen to her though? Apparently **not**.

* * *

"Jiraiya." She acknowledged.

"Tsunade." He said while inclining his head towards her.

Which was pretty easy for him to do. Jiraiya may have been a shrimp when they were kids, but he was a proverbial giant now. The low bar stools didn't hinder him one bit. He _had_ almost hit his head on a hanging lamp when he first came in.

She wondered how he'd tracked her to this rundown bar in this rundown town. Oh if only her Ojii-sama could see her now. He was either depressed with that gloom cloud of his or he was cheering her on. Her Great Uncle was definitely scowling down at her from the Afterlife.

"Did Sensei finally croak? I always knew that Hat was cursed." She said as she took a swig from the bottle of sake on the counter in front of her.

"Nope. The Old Man's still going strong."

"So why _the hell_ are you here? Don't you have _research_ or spying to do?" She sneered.

He pulls unseals a scroll from his clothing and shakes it in his hand as he says, "Sensei wanted me to give you a letter to read. He instructed me to give it to you directly and to leave _only_ after you read it."

"Oh?"

She'll admit she's vaguely interested. Jiraiya hasn't once begged her to come back to Konoha in their entire conversation so far. Usually that's the first thing he says. It's intriguing.

Not to mention that while he hasn't verbally said it he seems just a bit _too_ confident. About what she doesn't know.

Yet, that is.

She stares at the scroll more closely now. Inspecting it. It's a rather plain scroll to the civilian eye, but to the Shinobi eye it bears the mark of the Hokage on both ends. Plus there is a blood seal on it. Probably coded to her specifically.

While that in itself wouldn't be much to take notice of being rather standard among scrolls sent by the Hokage the Senju Clan and Uzumaki Clan symbols emblazoned on the front of the scroll are.

This scroll isn't about her running around Hi no Kuni and trying to convince her to come back to Konoha. It's a situation related to her personally through her blood. Her Clan. Her Obaa-sama's Clan.

She groans and hangs her head down. Then she flings her head back as she downs the entire sake bottle in one go.

She'd need all the courage she could get. If liquid courage couldn't help her deal with this shit right now then she didn't know what would.

"Give it here."

"My pleasure Hime." He smirked as he passed over the scroll.

Kami-sama how she wanted to punch the smirk off his face. No, no Tsunade first read the damn scroll. _Then_ punch Jiraiya in the face.

A quick bite of her thumb and smearing blood across the seal and she's reading the letter from her Sensei.

 _Dear Tsunade-chan._

 _I have written this letter to inform you of a living member of the Senju Clan. He is also a member of the Uzumaki Clan through his mother Uzumaki Kushina. It has only recently come to light that he is the Great-great-grandson of your Great Uncle, Senju Tobirama. As he is a minor of seven years and your second cousin twice removed we ask that you come back to Konoha to claim guardianship and raise the child. Seeing as you have no children and no directly related relatives the child is also assumed to be the Heir Presumptive to the Senju Clan._

 _I know you may have your doubts as to whether or not the boy is really related to you. Which is why I have enclosed a picture of him in your letter. I only ask that you come back to Konoha to do a blood test. I have not informed the boy about a possible relative because if you deny guardianship he will remain an orphan._

 _From_

 _Sarutobi Hiruzen_

 _Sandaime Hokage and Sarutobi Clan Head_

"Fuck."

That's the only word going through her head right now.

She'd heard rumors about her Great Uncle's sexual adventures. Some of them straight from the man himself, but now it was coming to bite Tsunade back in the ass. She couldn't just let a kid related to her be an _orphan_.

She knew Great Uncle was a ladies man. He was always a gentleman and apparently the bad boy loner image was just as popular eighty years ago as it was now. She could only hope that the kid was the only relative she had. Then again considering how popular Great Uncle had been even with his rules regarding age and verbal consent there was a big chance she had _more_ unknown relatives.

Not to mention her Obaa-sama would _haunt her_ if she knowingly let a member of the Uzumaki Clan suffer through being an orphan when they had living family. The Uzumaki Code of Family Honor, even if it was unwritten and unspoken, stated that Family Sticks Together.

She made have been only one fourth Uzumaki and the kid was only half Uzumaki, but they were Uzumaki and Uzumaki stuck together.

Now where the hell was the picture? She wanted to see if the kid had any resemblance to her Uncle.

The only thing that could make her day worse was if somebody told her her Ojii-sama had descendants that weren't from her Obaa-sama.

* * *

When Tsunade broke down crying and started sobbing Nawaki's name after reading her letter and unsealing the picture the came with it Jiraiya was admittedly worried and curious.

The only thing Sensei had told him were his instructions regarding the scroll and that he was _**sure**_ Tsunade would come back home.

It was when he saw the picture of his adorable Godson that he knew Shit was going down.

* * *

 **Thank you for reading and please review. Constructive criticism is appreciated.**


	6. Chapter 5

**I do not own Naruto and I never will. It belongs to Masashi Kishimoto and whoever else has any claims to it. Please red and review.**

* * *

Shinzou Masui's day was supposed to go like this: finish up the late night-early morning shift at the hospital and then go back home to her _**super soft**_ mattress and fall asleep.

Did that happen? **No.** It did **not**.

Instead at four in the fucking **morning** she had a unit of ANBU, the demon child, and a crying Senju Tsunade to deal with.

She'd chosen to be a Medic for her career because it seemed less stressful and it seemed like she'd have a better chance of making it to forty than if she'd been a regular kunoichi. She did not sign up for ANBU to be showing up during the graveyard shift with company in tow.

Heck, she wasn't even the one supposed to be in charge of ANBU when they came to the hospital. Somebody must of fucked up somewhere.

"Medic Shinzou Masui." The tallest one of the group with black hair and frog mask spoke up.

Graveyard shift or not these ANBU guys were technically her superiors. At least that was what she told herself when she felt her shoulders rolling back and her spine straightening.

She wasn't intimidated. Not at all.

"We require the performance a blood test for Uzumaki-san and Senju-san." A female brunet with a tiger mask announced. At least Masui thought the ANBU was female. He/She had long brown hair and a rather androgynous body.

"Blood test?"

"Yes. It is imperative that the procedure be completed as soon as possible."

Now why would the demon brat and the Senju-hime need a blood test?

A quick glance at the crying Senju Tsunade who was _clutching_ the said demon brat to her chest and muttering Nawaki started ringing bells in Masui's pretty little head.

The demon brat looked down right uncomfortable and seemed to be trying to plead with the ANBU through his eyes.

Now that she took a closer look she could start to see a resemblance between the two blondes. They both had the same chin, the same cheek bones, and the same upward tilt to their eyes.

The gears in Masui's head began to turn slowly. There _had_ been those rumors around the end of the Second Shinobi War. Both about Tsunade and Nawaki.

Moving mechanically through the motions she quickly and efficiently gathered the materials and the papers needed to conduct the blood test. She had gathered the forms and handed them off to the ANBU who handed them off to Senju Tsunade to sign. Who promptly handed them back to the ANBU once she was done.

Quickly prepping the blood seals that had been used since the founding of Konoha Masui began to think.

If Senju Tsunade was getting a blood test done and it involved the demon brat what did it all mean?

"We're ready to start so if you'd give the blood samples..."

Tsunade-sama went pale at that.

It was then that Masui remembered Tsunade-sama's hemophobia.

"If you want Tsunade-sama I can see if we have any previous blood samples under preservation seals to use." Masui quickly informed.

"That... That would be for the best." She answered shakily.

"I'll be back as soon as I can." Masui assured. "Sometimes it can take a while to get blood samples out of storage."

Walking quickly away from the group and towards the blood storage room Masui couldn't help but think about the interactions she'd seen so far.

Now to get to Hari and tell her about what had happened. That girl was the biggest gossiper she knew. If anyone could find out why Senju Tsunade and the demon brat were getting blood seals done then it would have to be her.

* * *

"... and that's what happened Hari. I have to get back soon to get the blood test done, but I'm telling you it's all very strange." Masui confided to her longtime friend from the Academy.

"Huh." Kikan Hari murmured deep in thought.

"Yeah, so I was wondering if you knew anything."

Kikan Hari's hazel eyes lit up in a parody of enlightenment and she raised her head to stare up at her standing companion.

"Masu-chan... what if the demon brat is related to her?"

"Hari that's what I was telling you-"

"No! No! That's not what I mean!" Hari interrupted. "Think about it. Senju Tsunade who vowed to **never** come back to Konoha is **here**. For a **kid**. Use your head and think about _why_."

"I'm still kinda lost Hari." Masui confessed.

"You idiot! The demon brat's her grandson or great nephew! Why else would she come back to Konoha?! You also said she was crying Nawaki's name right? That was her kid brother who died in the Second Shinobi War!"

"But the kid was about twelve when he died-"

"Doesn't matter! There were rumors about him and a blonde girl four years his senior. The only reason they didn't really get talked about a lot was because he was the Shodaime's grandson and Tsunade was still in Konoha!"

Masui shifted uncomfortably when she spoke. "I still find it hard to believe."

Hari shrugged her shoulders. "There were also rumors about Tsunade-sama being pregnant. She was very close to Dan Kato and everyone knows that Jiraiya-sama's always had a flame for her. If that rumor makes you feel better by all means go on ahead and believe that one instead."

"So you think it's possible that the demon brat and Tsunade-sama are related?" Masui ventured.

"It's a possibility. I can't think of anything else that would make Tsunade-sama come back to Konoha." Hari reasoned.

Looking a little uncertain and a touch like a kicked puppy Masui utter the words that would cause chaos in Konoha for the next few weeks. "Do you think we could do a blood test on the demon brat and Jiraiya-sama?"

"Well," Hari said mischievously. "There is a procedure in Konoha regarding lost relatives. We don't even have to sign forms."

Masui nodded. Uncertain where her brunette friend was going with the conversation, but feeling the slightest bit guilty.

"So here's what you do Masu-chan." Hari drawled. "You go do the blood test for Tsunade-sama and the demon brat. If its a confirmation you come back and we do a blood test for the demon brat and Jiraiya-sama."

Masui nodded jerkily.

"Go Masu-chan." Hari said while making shooing motions with her hands. "Go like the wind and come back just as quickly."

* * *

"It's a match." Masui confirmed loud and clear for Tsunade-sama and the ANBU in the room.

Tsunade-sama broke down into full out sobbing clutching the demon brat even harder to her voluptuous chest and the ANBU whisked her and the demon brat away.

Masui swallowed as she shakily walked back to Hari. It wasn't like she and Hari were about to do something illegal. Well, _technically_ it **was** illegal. Nobody, but her and Hari had to know about it though.

"Is it a match?" Hari called out from down the hall when she spotted Masui.

"Yep." Masui responded.

"Good, good. I got the test right here. Now to see the results."

"Hari are you **sure** we should be doing this?" Masui asked anxiously.

"Masu-chan it's _fine_. Stop worrying so much." Hari said as she waved off the concern.

" _ **You**_ try not to worry when the resident demon is the grandson of a Sannin, possibly _two_ Sannin, and the great-grandson of the Shodaime!" Masui bit out.

"Well when you put it like that." Hari said like the thought had never occurred to her.

"Yes." Masui stressed out the word. "I meant it like that-"

"It's done!" Hari cried out excitedly like a kid getting a kunai for their birthday.

As Hari scanned the paper briefly Masui couldn't help but feel like she'd just helped the world screw itself over.

Hari's head lifted from the paper and hazel eyes locked onto her own dark brown seriously as she declared seriously "It's a match."

Masui groaned. She could feel a headache coming on.

"I'm going to go tell my mother. She's **always** believed that Tsunade-sama was pregnant and that was the reason she left the Village so quickly." Hari said as she shoved her stuff into her messenger bag.

As Hari continued to gather her stuff and sign out as her shift was done Masui felt the need to confirm something that had been niggling at her brain ever since the strange group had entered the hospital.

"Hari? If Tsunade-sama and Jiraiya-sama are the Uzumaki child's grandparents then does that mean the Uzumaki child is human?" Masui asked uncertainly.

Hari paused and became as still as a statute. She slowly turned her gaze to Masui eyes wide.

"I... I guess it does." She blinked.

"Shit." Masui groaned. "The entire Village has been tormenting the Shodaime's great-grandson."

Hari blanched in agreement to Masui's statement.

Shit was about to go down.

Masui idly wondered if she could move her family to Wind. She did **not** want to be around when word got out to Senju Tsunade that her grandson was the Village Pariah.

* * *

 **Thank you for reading and please review. I apologize for any grammatical errors. Constructive criticism is appreciated.**


	7. Chapter 6

**I do not own Naruto and I never will. It belongs to Masashi Kishimoto and whoever else has any claims to it.**

* * *

When Sarutobi Hiruzen thought about Tsunade returning to Konoha he imagined it would be with her either caught by ANBU, coming back to find a place to die, or finally returning to the place of her birth crying tears of regret for all the trouble her actions caused.

With his Sensei's amorous liaisons with that Uzumaki woman he had an _actual reason_ to call her back! One that would have her running. Uzumaki Mito had been a wonderful woman and First Lady, but her anger was ice cold and she could be down right _**vicious**_. To family _or_ foe.

If he included a picture of young Naruto in her letter and he looked much like young Nawaki had at that age... well, it wasn't emotional manipulation. Actually, yeah it was emotional manipulation, but he'd like to see anyone else come up with a better way of getting Tsunade to come back to Konoha.

He had wondered why the resemblance was so strong, even before the Nidaime's affair came to light. He'd always thought Naruto reminded him more of Hashirama-sama though. Both were quite similar in personality. Then again Kushina hadn't acted like his Sensei one bit either. The only thing Tsunade had that reminded him of her Grandfather was that they both loved to gamble. It was nice that Tsunade was finally coming back home.

Young Naruto needed all the political backing and protection he could get.

Son of the Yondaime, Son of the Nidaime Jinchuriki, and descendant of the Nidaime he may be he was still considered an orphan to most people.

Ergo useless in the game of Clan Politics. People assumed Naruto was an orphan without connections. Being an orphan meant one was without political standing, high pedigree, and influencing power. Most of the time, unless you were the Last of The Clan.

Now with Tsunade Naruto had a living relative. One that was thought of highly, had developed the current Shinobi Medic system, and who was the last living descendant of the Senju Clan still bearing the name.

A **big** step up from being an orphan with no backing whatsoever. Which meant that Clan Politics were going to be a nightmare, his Advisers were going to be pains in his neck, and there would be more betrothal proposals than Naruto would know what to do with.

You **did not** just have a high profile ninja come back from self exile and claim guardianship over an orphan child _hated by the entire Village_ and not expect for **something** to happen.

It was such a relief to know that Tsunade had Clan Heir training and was a decent diplomat and politician.

Yet that was only taking into account Naruto's **Senju** blood.

They hadn't even really begun to scratch the ice with his Uzumaki heritage and his being the Yondaime's only living child. Even if the Uzumaki were in diaspora they were still an Old Name. Same with Minato being dead. Legacies were hard to live up to. Even harder when they were dead and immortalized.

It was going to be **such** a headache to deal with.

His only condolence was that it wasn't going to be _**his**_ headache. It was going to be _**Tsunade's**_. Which made him him the slightest bit happy.

That brat deserved some sort of punishment for leaving Konoha.

* * *

When Hyuuga Hiashi received word at four in the morning that Senju Tsunade had return to Konoha he was surprised.

There was no other word to express how he felt sitting there in his bedroom wearing his sleeping kimono. The Branch member who came to inform him wearing a face expressing maybe even more surprise than his did.

He didn't think anything could be more surprising for his entire day. After all it's not everyday in Konoha that the Shodaime's hemophobic alcoholic gambling granddaughter comes back.

So when noon came around and he received word during teatime that Senju Tsunade and Jiraiya of the Sannin were **both** related to Uzumaki Naruto and they were **thought** to be his Grandparents he did the most un-Hyuuga of actions and spit out his green tea all over the Branch member servant. Then he proceeded to choke on the liquid that had managed to trickle down his throat. The said Branch member servant covered in green tea looking rather irate and did not even bother to help his Clan Head.

After he had recovered from his choking Hyuuga Hiashi quickly retired to his bedroom. Dismissing the Branch member and activating the secrecy-security seals that protected his bedroom from curious eyes and unwanted persons.

He **never** thought the day when he could laugh in the Elders faces would come so soon.

If there was one thing Uzumaki Kushina had loved to do when she was alive it was to gamble, wager, and prank with her friends.

Kushina's best and _**only**_ friend for a time, from the ages of eight to fourteen, was Uchiha Mikoto.

Kinda sad.

He'd even been one of the people to pick on her, but he'd been a hormonal preteen and a down right arrogant bastard at that age. He'd thought she was strange and foreign and definitely **not** a Konoha Shinobi. He told her that too.

Getting his ass handed to him by Minato had been a big eye opener. If an orphaned civilian five years younger than him from _**Konoha**_ could take down a Main Hyuuga, then who was to say that the chakra mass that was Kushina, who was part of an Old Name, couldn't wipe the floor with him and then some?

The only reason Kushina put up with him in adulthood, besides the fact that he had formally apologized, was because Minato's female teammate had been his wife Hyuuga Hotaru. It was by association with Minato that Hotaru had come to know Kushina and Kushina had put in an effort to befriend Hotaru since she was her boyfriend's teammate.

Which wasn't really that hard to do since Hotaru's personality was scarily similar to Hinata's when Hotaru had been younger. Kushina had declared Hotaru to be too cute for her good and had eagerly welcomed Hotaru into her circle of friends. Even if said circle of friends only amounted to the number of fingers on both hands.

Still, it was because of Hotaru and the Uchiha vs Hyuuga Rivalry that he now had the **ultimate bitchslap** against the Elders! Fate loved him!

The Uchiha vs Hyuuga Rivalry was well known through out the Village. Hard not to with both Clans trying to claim the title of Best Doujutsu in the Village.

Kushina, being friends with girls from both Clans, was sometimes pressured to choose which one was the better.

It was because of that rivalry that there had been a bet, agreement, whatever Kushina called it he couldn't remember, between all three girls when they were adults and married.

If Mikoto ever had a boy and Kushina ever had a girl then the girl would marry any son Mikoto had. If Hotaru had a girl and Kushina ever had a boy then he would marry any daughter Hotaru had.

Mikoto'd been very disappointed when she'd given birth to Sasuke and Kushina was confirmed to be expecting a boy. Especially since Hotaru hadn't stopped gloating since she had been pregnant with Hinata at the time.

The betrothal stipulated that both parties, the children, would be kept off the marriage market until they were at an age where they could choose whether or not they wished to marry each other. Consent from both parties was necessary for marriage. However with the Hyuuga and Uchiha betrothals there were some slight differences between the two.

For the Uchiha it stipulated that more of the Clan would be introduced into the regular Shinobi Force.

For the Hyuuga... it stipulated that Seal Masters related to the child would work on creating a New Caged Bird Seal. One that wasn't so obvious or painful.

The **best** part about those betrothal contracts was that even if the children decided to **not** get married the "dowry" would still be paid in full!

And now there were _**two world class Seal Masters**_ related to Uzumaki Naruto! Who he had a betrothal contract to!

Actually this was one of the best things that could have happened to him. His Hinata was such a sweet gentle child. More nurturer than warrior. Strong in her own quiet way. Unfortunately the Clan thought of it as weakness to not be confrontational.

With this betrothal he could safely marry Hinata, if she wanted to, but then again she was already slightly obsessed with the Uzumaki child, into a Clan that was as prestigious if not more so than the Hyuuga and be assured that her every whim would be met. Hiashi was sure anyone would be hard pressed to find a more suitable Clan Lady than Hinata. Hinata wouldn't get the caged bird seal and Hanabi would become Clan Heir. It was perfect!

Plus Hinata was kind, she was smart, and she had a shy personalty that blossomed when you really got to know her.

Also Mikoto didn't have a daughter.

Hyuuga 1. Uchiha 0.

Never let it be said that he wasn't petty when it came to Clan Rivalries. He was just a bit more civilized when dealing with it.

* * *

Uzumaki Naruto was having a bad day.

Late at night. Or was it morning? Eh, he didn't know.

Late at night a strange lady with blonde pigtails and big boobs had come with some of the Babysitters to his house.

She'd taken one look around her at his room and nearly burst into tears.

Running over to him and sweeping him from his bed she squeezed him to her body while crying.

Then she started mumbling into his ear how she was sorry and she didn't know about is living conditions and if she had she would have come to get him.

Was she his mom? They both did have blonde hair.

Nope.

She **was** _ **a C**_ _ **razy Lady**_.

Not only was he practically stolen from his bed his Babysitters didn't do nothing to help him out! Sure he'd painted their break room neon pink with feathers and glitter, but that didn't mean they had to be cruel!

He was nearly suffocated by boobs! BOOBS!

It was a totally un-ninja way to die!

Where was Jiji or Teuchi-san when you needed them?

Plus! Once they got to the hospital one of the Medics who gave him the stink eye whenever he came around went to go do a Blood Test! Whatever _that_ was.

Busty Blonde Crazy Lady, his new name for her, was _**still**_ sobbing, and he _**still**_ had trouble breathing, and the Babysitters were _**still**_ ignoring him when Stink Eye Medic came back and said the words that doomed him to _**more**_ suffocation by boobs!

"It's a match."

They were the words that sealed his fate and caused the squashing of his face.

Being asphyxiated by boobs.

It was probably a way Jiji wanted to die. Or the neighborhood pervert that wrote porn. At least that was what the Civilians wives said.

* * *

 **I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter. I wanted to give Hiruzen and Naruto some more character time. I sincerely hope you like Naruto's nickname for Tsunade. I apologize for any grammatical errors. Please read and review.**


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